


Temperance's Rest

by Nezchan



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Adulthood, F/F, Flashbacks, Romance, Yuri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-08
Packaged: 2018-08-29 22:37:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8508196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nezchan/pseuds/Nezchan
Summary: When the greatest idol in the solar system, Yazawa Nico, suddenly announces her retirement after a long, successful career, the world is shocked. What effect does it have on her oldest friend Nozomi, and what happened sixteen years ago to form a bond between them?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was such a satisfying fic to write. I'd wanted to read a certain sort of NozoNico fic for ages, since I think they have one of the deepest relationships among all the girls of Mu's. Unfortunately, nobody had written that fic so i had to do it myself.
> 
> I may have fudged the events at the end of their last show a little, I'm not sure. If I did, please be generous and chalk it up to artistic license.

_“- shocked her fans today with a surprise announcement that she will be retiring from the music industry. Sometimes known as the Queen of Idols, she capped off a stunning 16-year career with last night’s sold out show at Tokyo Dome. Today, she topped her own headlines in a press conference held at the Idol Academy, where she will be taking a position under one-time rival Kira Tsubasa. The announcement stated she will continue to foster the upcoming generation in a special program to provide support for promising school idols. Starting out as a school idol herself in the breakout group Mu’s, this brings her career full circle. Once again, our top story is the sudden retirement of Yazawa Ni-”_

 

The television fell abruptly silent as Nozomi hit the mute button almost without realizing it. In fact the whole world seemed to lose its voice, nothing existed save for the continuing stream of images from Nico’s career. A few of those images contained her own face, although they barely registered on her consciousness. For a moment that seemed like forever, she had no idea how to react; her body and brain gone numb. _Is this really happening_ , some small part of her mind thought. _Is it really true?_

The remote began to slip from her hand, and as she moved to catch it the world came alive around her. All at once her ears were filled with a chorus of “Awwwwwww!” as a dozen voices expressed their displeasure. She turned, almost surprised to find herself in the café she managed, surrounded by desperate-looking schoolgirls.

Regaining her composure a little, she returned the remote to its place before turning back to the girls. “All right, all right. ” she said, “I know this is a shock to everyone. But there’s nothing on the television you don’t already know.”

“But you’re her friend, right?” asked one of the bolder girls. “You’ve got to know something!”

Nozomi looked at her with sympathy. So desperate for just a little information, it was like the world was crashing down around her. They all looked like that, wanting answers that Nozomi couldn’t provide.

“I’m sorry, but I’m as surprised as you are. I imagine none of us could tell you anything.”

“This is such a big deal! Why wouldn’t she talk to you?”

She smiled as warmly as she could, knowing the girl was too upset to be easily calmed. The rest watched the exchange in hopeful, nervous silence. “That’s simply how Nico is. She was always like that, and I’m sure she’ll speak with us when she’s ready. Until then, all I can do is bring you tea, if you’ll all go back to your seats.”

They grumbled, but accepted they wouldn’t learn more this way. So they went back to their own private conversations, some huddled around cell phones trying to find out just a little more on the net. Nozomi didn’t blame them for being desperate. At their age, something like this would have felt like the world was ending. For the girls at Otonokizaka Academy Nico was a living legend. So was she, to some degree, although out of the whole group Nico was the only one still on that big idol stage. At least until today.

There was little time to dwell on it however. Despite calling in part-timers to help it was hard to find a moment’s peace. The news had brought a crowd of girls not only from her old school, but the nearby UTX Academy as well. Despite once being rivals for the Love Live! competition, the students of both schools got along surprisingly well, united in their support of the former members of both Mu’s and their own A-Rise. Every new wave of girls brought the same questions again and again, seeking insight into what happened.

Why had Nico retired? Would she still perform sometimes? Was Nozomi sure she hadn’t spoken to anyone beforehand? A few even wanted her to consult her Tarot cards, despite being rushed. It pained her to have to refuse, but she knew the cards had no answers for them. She may have been the area’s premiere fortune teller, but this was not a matter for the spirits. All she could do was give a quick response of “I’m sorry, I really don’t know,” before moving on to the next table to say the same thing. The shocked looks they all shared made her feel guilty, even though she was nothing but honest.

It took hours, but at last the tide of customers slowed, and finally stopped. Exhausted, Nozomi pulled the doors shut and allowed herself a moment to take a rest. She already knew Nico was popular in both schools, but this exceeded all her expectations. It would probably gratify her friend to know just how deeply she’d touched all those lives, and more besides. The thought brought a weary smile to her face.

Taking a seat with a fresh cup of tea, her first all day, she looked out the window and let her mind wander. Before she even realized, she had retrieved the Tarot she’d refused to use earlier and began to shuffle. It was a familiar, soothing sensation which had been a constant in her life since before she’d even met the girls from Mu’s. All women now, she corrected herself, and all very important to her. Still shuffling, she thought more deliberately about the group, and Nico in particular. Then, in a movement as natural to her as breathing, she drew a card and placed it on the table before taking a look at it.

XIII: DEATH

Nozomi examined the card, with its proud, skeletal warrior for a moment, and smiled. A dramatic image to be sure, appropriate for the day. But not a surprising one. Nico’s announcement was surprise enough.

From behind came a familiar voice. “Well, isn’t that a depressing choice?”

Nozomi turned with a start. Standing nearby was her employer, the owner of her café and one of her oldest friends, Kousaka Honoka. She was smiling, still looking down at the card. “I imagine you had a crazy day too, what with Nico and all. Half the girls in the district were in the shop asking questions, so I imagine you had the other half.”

I never ceased to amaze Nozomi how different her friend was from when they met. They all had, of course. Adulthood doesn’t discriminate, bringing new aspects to everyone. But where Nozomi felt she was much the same as before, with Honoka the change was dramatic. She had grown a little taller and lost the last traces of baby fat in her face, leaving behind a true beauty. Inside, she’d changed even more. It was hard to believe that the bubbly, somewhat clumsy but infectiously confident girl she once knew was now the graceful, self-assured woman before her. Surely her continued love of dancing, a love she shared with Rin, played a part, but greater credit was likely owed to her wife, Maki. For her, these things came naturally, and in order to stand by her side Honoka changed in turn.

The café was her personal dream; the other members of Mu’s teased her for years that she created it to get a steady supply of bread. But it was her nature to tackle a project with everything she had, and this was no exception. Eventhough she eventually gave in and took over her family’s shop, hiring Nozomi to manage in her place, she still came by often to check in on her baby.

“I admit, the retirement thing was a shock,” she said, her thoughts returning to the present. “It’s just like her to end on a dramatic note.”

Honoka chuckled. “She was always headstrong. The two of us are alike in that sense. We both gave you a lot of trouble back then, didn’t we?”

Nozomi stood and began tidying while she spoke. “I think you troubled Umi a lot more than me. Nico, well, she troubled just about everyone.”

“No, there was something special with you two. You’re right that she bothered everyone, but the relationship you had was different. More subtle.”

“Subtle isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when I think of Nico. No offence, but I’m surprised you noticed.”

“I didn’t,” Honoka said with a little shake of her head. “Not consciously anyhow. It wasn’t until I talked to Maki about it later on that I managed to add things up.”

Nozomi was silent for a moment, making certain the table she was wiping was absolutely spotless. “And what answer did you come up with?”

“No answer at all. Something was definitely there, but neither of us wanted to pry beyond that. Nico keeps personal matters under pretty tight wraps, so once we realized we let it drop.”

Silence fell again, for a moment. She moved from table to table, not looking back. After a minute, Honoka spoke up.

“At first glance it looks so morbid,” she said. “I remember you threatening her with it whenever she didn’t want to study. But it’s not really as dark as the name says, is it?”

Nozomi turned, seeing Honoka tracing the edge of the card with a fingertip. Her friend knew nothing about telling fortunes, so it was a surprise that she picked up on the card’s deceptive image. Most simply took it at face value and reacted with fear.

“No, it isn’t,” she said, coreturning to the table. “The card isn’t literal; few of them really are.” She retrieved the card from Honoka, studying the image even though she’d placed it countless times. “It means change. Renewal. It does mean death in a way, but not like a person dying. More like wheat at the end of the season, making way for next year’s crop.”

“Or next year’s bread,” Honoka said impishly. “Clearing away the old to make room for the new, huh? Sounds appropriate, but your fortunes always are.” She looked up at the television, still occasionally flashing images from Nico’s career. “I wonder what’s about to start? Knowing her, it’ll be something grand.”

“I wouldn’t accept anything less from than grand from the great Nico-nii!”

Both of them laughed. “We’ve all been pretty grand in our own ways, haven’t we? Sharing one big dream together, then going on to live out our own personal dreams.” She turned to look around the café with clear satisfaction. “Sixteen years, that’s such a long time. Do you think by now, we’ve all managed to make our dreams come true?”

“Almost,” Nozomi said, half to herself. “There’s still one left, but maybe not for much longer.”

Honoka turned, her eyes becoming more serious but not losing her smile. “I’ll leave it in your hands. Take tomorrow off, and make that last little dream come true.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little long, but it's worth it for context. Enjoy the ride!

She was only fifteen when her world changed forever.

A new town, a new school. By now it was routine, packing up to follow her parents’ jobs. So had saying goodbye, over and over again. Never time to make real connections, so no single goodbye was meaningful. But they piled up, and the weight of all those shallow partings and forgotten names were crushing sometimes.

Her parents weren’t at fault, she knew that by now. They had no more choice than she did. Despite being just past middle-school age, she’d come to understand and accept it, even if she didn’t like it.

At least this time she wouldn’t be forced to stand at the front of the class as a transfer student, making it obvious that she was an outsider. Coming at the start of the first year of high school, for once she was on equal footing with all the other newcomers.

As expected, the opening address was almost comfortingly dull, giving her a chance to look around at the other girls. By now she was an accomplished people-watcher, and she recognized all the usual types. The sports star, the actor, the top of the class, they were all very familiar. They seemed more mature now; the threshold between middle and high school sparked changes in all of them. But nothing unexpected. Save for two girls in particular.

The first who caught her eye was a petite, dark-haired girl with pigtails, who seemed to fill more space than her body could account for. It was as if she was so charged with electricity that it couldn’t be contained. She didn’t need intuition to see that this was a girl destined for big things. She had a glint in her eye that Nozomi could almost physically feel, filled with determination.

As to the other girl, she was so striking it was a wonder she didn’t spot her first. She was tall, one of the tallest in her grade, and bearing the most arresting blond hair and blue eyes. She could tell at a glance that it was her natural colour. She was the type who would never dye it, even to blend in with the crowd. Not that she could if she did, with her perfect, if slightly rigid, posture and direct gaze. _Part Japanese_ , she thought, _I wonder what brought her here?_ She resolved to learn more if she could.

It was during self introductions that she learned the girl’s name was Ayase Eli. She also learned how determined she was to push others away, practically declaring war on her classmates. But the defiance on that face was so beautiful, she couldn’t look away. _You’re an outsider_ , she thought. _Just like me._

At lunch, she took the cards from her bag and began to shuffle. The physical action allowed her to collect her thoughts; ever since she had been introduced to them a couple of years before, they helped whenever she needed clarity. A spiritual child to begin with, she took to them naturally and were in a way her most steadfast friend. No matter where she went, the cards, the stars and the spirits she felt remained with her when no one else did.

Glancing toward Eli, she was surprised to see the blond glancing back. Was it coincidence that they were both looking at the same time? Or the faint stirrings of fate? Either way, Eli didn’t give her a chance to ask as she grabbed her lunch and strode boldly out of the room, daring anyone to stop her. On impulse, still watching the door, she drew a card.

X: WHEEL OF FORTUNE

_Well, that’s hardly a shock_ , she thought. One of the more straightforward cards, it simply indicated change, for good or ill. On the first day of high school that could apply to literally any of the girls there, including herself, Eli, and the small girl with the flashing eyes. But something seemed wrong about that thought, and Nozomi knew to trust her intuition. There was more to the story, something important, that she was yet to see.

She had no chance to ponder further as she was surrounded by a crowd of girls, eager to know more about the cards. It seemed fortune telling was popular in the area, and she knew the opportunity to get on good terms when she saw it. So she shelved the matter of Ayase Eli for the time being, and began to explain the cards and how she used them.

Over the next few days, she found that she simply couldn’t let things be. Eli wouldn’t leave her mind, even when she was trying to study. There was something important about her, beyond her beauty and confrontational nature. Although the girl’s self-imposed isolation bothered her greatly, there was a deeper issue she couldn’t quite identify. At last, when she couldn’t hold back any longer, things came to a head.

“Please be friends with me!”

The exclamation surprised her as much as Eli. Both stood on the stairs in shock, just staring at leach other for what seemed like forever.

She must have seen something in Nozomi’s eyes at that moment. Whether it was desperation, or conviction, or perhaps something neither of them understood yet, she must have seen it. Maybe she, too, felt there was more to be said between them. Because despite herself, she reached out to accept the friendship that was on offer.

They were quiet the rest of the day, but after class Nozomi sought her out. “How lucky that you and I live fairly close,” she said, hoping to break the ice. “Perhaps we could walk home together now and then?”

Eli smiled. “Yes, I think we could. It’s an awfully lonely walk, and I still don’t know my way around. Perhaps you could show me?”

“Actually, I’m new here myself. My parents move quite often due to work. Was it the same for you?”

Briefly, it seemed as if a shadow passed over Eli’s features. The change was subtle, but impossible for an experienced people-watcher to miss. Then it was gone, and her mood returned to normal. “I lived out of the country for a long time. In Russia.”

Nozomi let out a slow whistle. “You’ve got me beat, I was only in another prefecture. Say, I don’t know the area too well yet, but I did notice a parfait shop nearby that I’ve been dying to try. Why don’t you come with me?”

It wasn’t the must subtle change of subject in the world, but Eli didn’t seem to mind. “I suppose I could. Lead the way.”

Over the following weeks, the two of them got to know each other better, laying the groundwork for Nozomi’s first genuine friendship. Even at this early stage, she was certain that she had found the thing that she’d wanted most, a relationship that would last. Even if, and likely when, she had to leave. Privately she swore that she would stay in touch no matter what.

Their friendship wasn’t all one-sided. Eli also began to come out of her shell, softening her resistance to her classmates. Whatever the issues she still kept close to her chest, the other girls weren’t at fault, and isolation would only hurt her in the end. It would still be some time before she could really open up, but she had begun to change. For now that was enough.

As weeks turned into months, Nozomi found a chance to volunteer at a nearby shrine. She felt the need for more spiritual experience in her life, and when the opportunity arose she jumped at it. She fit in almost immediately, although Eli didn’t understand the attraction. Instead, she began to show an interest in how the school was run, and when they couldn’t hang out together she was often in the student council room. As they both found things that interested them, their friendship grew to the point where Nozomi knew that it would be very hard on her when they eventually had to part.

That was when the change she foresaw truly began.

A cool Wednesday in Autumn found her and Eli walking home as usual. Nothing that day was out of the ordinary, not even the all-too-routine surprise quiz that both of them managed to breeze though. They did miss each other at lunch, but only since a pair of second years had abducted her friend for some sort of student council business. Even that wasn’t unusual given her growing reputation as “the charming and clever Ayase-san”, although she did look forward to their after school time as compensation.

As they made their way down the avenue to the school gates, she noticed something unusual after all. The twin-tailed girl she spotted at the beginning of the year was there, apparently passing out fliers of some sort. Two other girls, who she didn’t recognize and who seemed much less comfortable, accompanied her. Nozomi hadn’t forgotten her. They passed each other in the hall now and then, although they had never spoken. Since they did not share any classes, there had been no chance to get to know anything but her name.

Catching her eye, she girl bounded over to press a sheet of paper into her hands, then did the same with the much less receptive Eli. She still wasn’t used to people getting inside her personal space, despite Nozomi’s best efforts.

“Hi!” the girl said brightly. “I’m Yazawa Nizo! My friends and I will be performing a live idol show this Friday after school! I’d love for you to come, don’t miss it!” With that, she struck a pose, flashed a brilliant if somewhat childish smile, and bounded off to the next person. It felt like there was a gust of wind as she passed by.

After a moment of staring at her in silence, Nozomi turned her attention to the flier. It basically said the same thing, plus details about the time and place along with a cartoon of three girls in frilly dresses. Nico, of course, was right out in front. It was anything but professional work, but undeniably charming.

“What’s this idol thing,” Eli asked. There were times when Nozomi would forget that her friend had spent much of her life abroad. Then there were moments like this, where she’d would slip a word of Russian into a sentence, or fail to understand some part of Japanese culture. It was startling, not only the sudden reminder, but how rarely they happened.

“You wouldn’t have seen them back in Russia, I suppose. It’s a very Japanese sort of thing. Idols are basically young female entertainers. Sometimes they act, but mostly they sing and dance while wearing costumes like the ones on the flier. I imagine they’re more popular around here since we’re so close to Akihabara. I wonder if they’re self-taught...”

She trailed off, realizing that Eli had already stopped listening. Her back was straight, just as it was on the first day of school. Her whole body seemed so tense she was quivering. A harsh expression had settled in around her eyes that Nozomi hadn’t seen before, although she didn’t seem to be looking at anything in particular. Could that angry gaze be directed within? Nozomi didn’t know, but it seemed clear that the trigger had something to do with Nico and that flier.

She knew desperate action was needed. Slipping around her friend, who didn’t seem to notice, she slipped her hands around her friend’s body and gave her chest a good, hard squeeze.

“An opening!” she announced, all but drowned out by Eli’s scream. It might have been a crude distraction, but it was undeniably effective. And Nozomi had to admit, it was kind of fun too.

“Wh-wh-what was that for!?” Eli shouted, pulling away and covering her breasts with her arms before noticing that she was attracting all the attention. Her blush was spectacular. All the previous tension was gone however, as if it never happened.

Nozomi slipped in close, calmly placing a finger under Eli’s chin. “You may be clever and charming, my dear Elichi, but you’ll never get far if you leave yourself wide open like that,” she said with the most angelic smile she could muster. “Now we’d best be off. I need to finish my homework before heading off to the shrine.”

Before Eli could react, she slipped her arm through her friend’s and all but pulled her down the path, setting a jaunty pace. She didn’t know what just happened, but she needed to separate Eli and Nico, who by now had stopped gawking and returned to passing out fliers. Something lay buried just under the surface that she hadn’t sensed before, and Nico stirred it up. They’d have to deal with it sooner or later, but not now, while things were so raw.

Over the next couple of days however, Eli’s issues did not dominate her mind as much as the flier lying on her desk. She couldn’t fully tear herself away from it. Even at the shrine, it lingered in the back of her mind. She returned to it again and again, to the point where there wasn’t a single detail she hadn’t seen and studied, and by Friday it was already frayed at the corners from being handled so much.

She knew she couldn’t talk to Eli about it. No sense bringing up matters neither of them were ready to touch on yet. But there was something about the flier, and Nico herself, that tickled like an itch she couldn’t quite reach. Even her cards were no help, every result was too vague. Still, the spirits were clear. The only way she would learn more was to attend the idol show.

Of course she went alone. She gave Eli an excuse about needing to stay late and sent her home alone. It didn’t feel good to lie to a friend, even to protect them. But there was something about this show she had to see for herself.

For an unofficial school event there was a decent crowd, about half-filling the auditorium. She saw a few familiar faces here and there, but no one she knew very well. That was a relief, at least she’d be able to concentrate on the show, and the unsettling feelings that were even stronger than before. _What is it about this show that won’t let me go_ , she thought to herself, eyes fixed on the curtain.

Once it rose and the music began, she knew, or rather _felt_ , the answer. Her intuition was almost shouting in her ear, drowning out the introduction to their song, that this was what her cards had been telling her about at the start of school. Deep within herself, she could feel the Wheel begin to turn. Whatever fate had in store for her, this was the moment where everything began, and she had to watch closely.

For all its personal significance, it wasn’t a great performance. Even before they began to dance the mis-matched costumes, probably thrown together with whatever they could buy and scrounge from their own wardrobes, revealed their inexperience. Only Nico looked remotely comfortable, the other two unprepared to be performing in front of an actual crowd. It was likely their first time on stage, and they were understandably scared. Once the lights go up, there’s no one to help, and even their leader didn’t have the strength to keep all three afloat.

One of the girls could sing at least, but she missed her cue and couldn’t get her steps right, throwing them all slightly off balance. The other, although she seemed to be able to do both, was too stricken by nervousness to do either well. As the mistakes mounted, their nerves fed each other to the point where their teamwork totally fell apart. Nozomi felt a strong pang of sympathy for them; this had to be a frightening and embarrassing experience.

Nico, taking the role of centre, was another matter. She may have had no more experience than the others, but her confidence more than made up for it. It was as if the spotlight was her natural environment, and she was truly breathing for the first time. She sang well and danced well, for her level of skill and despite the growing chaos on the stage, making the difference between them even more obvious. To Nozomi, she almost literally shone. Her eyes, which flashed the first two times they met, now fairly blazed, and for a moment she wondered if this girl would blind her. The rest of the audience may not see it, but Nozomi saw the potential for so much more.

To their credit, none of the three gave up. It would have been so easy to run but none of them did. Nico never would, of course, it wasn’t in her nature. But the other two played their parts as best they could until the end, which was impressive in its own way. She wondered if she was even that brave.

When they finally took their bows and accepted the applause, there was no joy in it. There was no enthusiasm in the audience, merely a polite recognition that they tried. It was ironic that Nico, who stood out so much, was the cause of their defeat. If she had been experienced enough to fit in with and support her group mates, they may not have failed at all, or at least their performance might have been charming. Instead it was a tragedy.

That should have been the end of it for Nozomi. But something about the show, something she couldn’t quite identify, persisted just past the reach of her consciousness. Simply attending the show wasn’t enough. Whatever impulse drove her to the auditorium that night wasn’t finished with her yet; there was more of the story yet to come.

Stopping under a streetlight, she felt a strong urge to consult her cards. Perhaps now that she’d followed her instincts they would we more forthcoming. She gave a quick shuffle, letting the fresh impressions play across the surface of her mind, and drew a single card. She hardly had to glance at it to know what it meant.

XII. THE TOWER

Like the Wheel of Fortune, this was a card that promised change. But not gentle change. Ambition dashed, works destroyed, disappointment and ruin, the Tower spelled nothing less than catastrophe. In all its terrible beauty, was that not what she witnessed that night? She knew the trio would not survive. It was almost unthinkable any of them would return to the stage again.

_So why does it feel like this is speaking of the future,_ she thought.

It wasn’t like Nozomi to doubt her intuition. But she felt she had to, for fear of what toll an even bigger disaster would take on that hopeful, promising girl. But the more she tried to deny it, the more certain she was that worse was yet to come. Returning home, something stayed her hand from throwing away the flier that still remained on her desk.

That night she dreamt of idols.

There were not three girls on stage, but instead a large group whose faces she could not see. They moved with confident energy, singing and dancing as one before a mighty crowd who loved them. Even though she couldn’t make out their features, somehow all of them felt close to her, like a family should. She woke with a smile, still feeling the thrill of being in the heart of such a show.

The next day, she passed Nico in the hallway as they changed classes. She was petite to start with, but somehow she felt even smaller, her presence diminished. Nozomi had the strangest feeling she was seeing her from a great distance, despite being only a couple of metres apart. Yet the girl kept her head high and pace steady, this time with an oddly familiar look in her eye. Something in that look troubled her, but she had no time to dwell on it.

“I heard what happened,” Eli said when they arrived at class. There seemed to be an unusual note of sympathy in her voice. “Do you think she’ll be all right?”

Nozomi shook her head. “I don’t know. It was certainly a blow, but she seems pretty tough. Have you heard about the other girls?”

“Just that they were both absent today. I imagine they’ll be changing clubs once they come back.”

As expected, a few days later the news filtered down to the two of them that both girls had handed in their resignation together, once they felt they could show their faces again. As to Nico, she never let her feelings about it show. She simply came to class just as before and said nothing about it.

Nozomi didn’t speak further with Eli about it. She still had a sore spot, which had something to do with idols. It was still too early to talk about it, even though sooner or later she knew they would have to deal with it. Her attitude toward Nico herself seemed to have changed, but that was all. Besides, Nozomi’s own feelings remained unsettled. She still sensed that there was more to come, along with a growing conviction that she, Eli and Nico were all connected in a way she could not fathom.

The days rolled on, with their routine events and trivial concerns, and she did her best to put such thoughts to the side. She’d managed to stop dwelling on it at least, even though thoughts of the wanna-be idol still haunted her at times. The days passed as days do, until one rainy afternoon almost a month later.

She and Eli had just left school for their familiar walk home, and their familiar discussion of whether to stop for parfaits, when they both were confronted with a sight that made them stop in their tracks. It was as if time had been rolled back, for once again before them was a girl passing out fliers, moving from person to person as they headed toward the street.

The difference was that this time Nico was alone. By herself, she did her best to catch every single girl who passed by, doing her best to keep a stack of fliers dry under the large pink umbrella she carried. She found few willing to accept and some went so far as to dodge out of the way, averting their eyes as they passed. But the smile on her face never faltered, just moving on to the next as if nothing had happened. It made Nozomi want to cry.

Eli started walking with a start, refusing to even acknowledge Nico’s presence. Her back was once again stiff and straight, but there was a sadness about it as well. Following behind, Nozomi wordlessly accepted a flier and tucked it into her bag without looking. They did not speak of the matter afterwards.

Safely at home, she retrieved the flier for a closer look. Like the first, the new playbill had a cartoon of an idol, although much more crudely drawn. Clearly Nico had not been the artist of the group. But once again, it carried the feeling that something important would happen if she went, together with a slight sense of dread. It didn’t take a psychic to see how the performance would go.

Only a handful of people were in the auditorium that Friday night. It was a wonder there were any at all, and even the stagehands did their best to keep out of sight. Those that did come were not fans. They were merely curiosity seekers, satisfying a morbid urge to see her fail for real. In a way, Nozomi felt as if she were here for the same purpose, although she wished success were possible.

Nico took the stage precisely on time, wearing a slightly altered version of her original costume. She stood there silently for several seconds, until Nozomi began to wonder if the crew had abandoned her. She probably would have done her number even if that were true, and even if the room were dark and empty. It was the bravest act she had ever seen.

But the music did begin, and she launched herself into her number. This time she truly was alone on the stage, and without anyone to help her look good, her lack of training was even more obvious. Yet she moved forward out of sheer defiance, refusing to cut her act short even though she had nothing left to work with. She wasn’t an idol putting smiles on people’s faces that night. She was merely a girl, dancing along before a few people who didn’t care. Plus one who knew this was a tragedy even worse than before, and a hot, wet feeling running down both cheeks.

At the end there was no applause. But Nico went through the motions as if she had received an ovation, bowing to the backs of the people who had already begun to leave. This had to be what the cards told her about. The moment where one girl’s dreams were crushed, right before her eyes. But why? Why was it so important to see this happen?

The answer came at the very last second, before the curtain fully closed. As the only one who remained in her seat, she was also the only one to see. In Nico’s eyes, in that instant before she was alone and the tears came, was a look of proud defiance. It was only a momentary flash, but it shone like a searchlight to Nozomi. It was much the same look she saw in Eli’s eyes the day they met, the look of a girl defeated by the world yet not willing to ever surrender.

Those eyes, more than the performance itself, were what remained with her on the way home that night. There was no way she could help yet, she was sure of that. But maybe someday. Sitting at her desk later that night, she again looked at the two fliers and thought of those eyes. _What is it fate wants me to do,_ she asked herself.

Once again, she dreamt of idols. She saw the same group as before, and the same enthusiastic crowd singing along. They were radiant and happy, just what Nico must have aspired to be. And yet...among the girls, whose faces she still could not see, was Nico herself, dancing with much greater skill than she had at either show. It was incredible to watch her, absolutely in her element under the spotlight. But not alone this time, beside her was another familiar face which came as a greater shock.

On that stage was Eli, who had twice gone cold at the very mention of idols. Her confidence was that of a professional, almost playfully matching her skill with those around her. Her steps were a joy to see, and in a moment of realization she saw that she was dancing them as well, taking her place between the two girls as if had always been there. It was an image as clear as looking into a mirror, but more than that it was a feeling. One of certainty, tinged with fate. This moment needed to be protected, one way or another.

Waking the next morning, the dream remained with Nozomi. She knew with every ounce of spiritual power she possessed, that what she saw was no dream, but a vision. She, Nico and Eli had all experienced hardships, but she had found the path to happiness for all of them. No one else could take them there.

That very day, she gathered up her courage and insisted to her parents that she remain in Otonokizaka, no matter what.


	3. Chapter 3

It had been a long time since coming home felt so lonely.

Even before she turned the key she could feel it radiating from the dark, still apartment like a chill. Years before, when she was a child, she felt the same cold when she returned home to find her parents still out working. It was a different apartment now, but the feeling was the same.

Nozomi’s senses became sensitive, but only heard a silence that followed on soft cat feet, stalking her as soon as she walked in the door. It was a creature she believed she’d come to terms with a long time ago, but tonight taught her she had merely kept it at bay. She shivered involuntarily.

The sudden sound of the phone startled her so much she jumped, her heart racing. The silence, so palpable even now, retreated to the darkened corners of the room, driven back by the racket. It took her a couple of rings to even register what it meant, she was so disoriented. She let a couple more pass before answering just because her heart was racing so much.

The rational part of her brain wasn’t surprised to get a call so quickly. After all, the retirement announcement had stirred up everyone in the country with even a slight connection to idols. Even her, she realized. She wouldn’t have felt the old loneliness so keenly without the reminder of that one part of herself she’d set aside all those years ago. She managed a chuckle as she answered, wondering which of her friends would be on the other end.

“Toujou residence,” she asked, trying to sound cheerful. “Who is our lucky winner today?”

“What? Nozomi, are you feeling okay?” Eli’s confusion at the other end came through loud and clear. She should have guessed that her best friend in all the world would be the most dedicated in calling her. Such was the fate that tied them together.

“Oh yes, just a bit of a joke. I’m in a silly mood.”

“No, you’re not,” Eli said seriously. “I can hear it in your voice, you’re covering up. I take it you heard about Nico?”

Nozomi sighed. Just like the old days, she could never hide a bad mood from her friend. But it didn’t matter, her spirits were genuinely improving now that she had someone to talk to. “I’ve heard about nothing else all afternoon. It’s kind of amazing how much the whole school still idolizes her.”

Eli laughed. “Right, I’d forgotten most of your customers were from Otonokizaka. You must have heard more than me, for that matter. We don’t get much idol news in Russia.”

“Oh yes, you went back with your sister for a bit, didn’t you? How is your grandmother doing?”

“Very well, thanks. She doesn’t get out much these days, but she’s surprisingly active all the same. You know how tough they grow us here. She wanted me to say hi to you and the others, by the way.”

Out of all her friends, Eli and Nico were the most family oriented, one of several things they had in common. Although both tried to hide their background, there came a time when each felt safe enough to finally open up. Nico in particular did her best to keep her siblings, and her deep devotion to them, out of the public eye as best she could. They deserved a normal childhood, and thanks to her support all three grew into fine adults. Eli, on the other hand, needed family to support her emotional well-being. She felt the distance from her Russian relatives keenly, so trips like this were essential. It helped keep those bonds strong.

“But that doesn’t matter right now!” Eli said, breaking into Nozomi’s thoughts. “I was calling about Nico! Like I said, I’ve hardly heard a thing, just what the others texted and what I could find online. Is it true she never said a word?”

“As far as I can tell, yes,” Nozomi said. “It looks like the only ones who had any idea were her manager and Tsubasa. Everyone else got caught by surprise.”

“Even you?”

“Even me.”

“She’s so wilful, that girl,” Eli said, and Nozomi could practically see her put fingertips to her temple and shake her head. “Well, more like stubborn. Just like when we were in school.”

“And who was the one who practically had to be dragged into Mu’s? She’s might be the definition of headstrong, but the two of you are more alike than either of you would like to admit.”

“Oh, leave off the teasing already,” Eli said, not really upset. “I came along in the end, didn’t I?”

“Yes, and I think something similar is going on with Nico, she’s probably been thinking about retiring for a long time, and finally just went and did it.” She paused. “Well, that’s just the feeling I have.”

“Your feelings are as good as anyone else’s certainty. She’s not the little loudmouth she was back then, that’s for sure. You don’t get to the top if you can’t back it up, but how long do you think she could stay there at her age? She probably knew it was the right time.”

Nozomi thought about it. Idols in their 30’s weren’t unprecedented, and Nico was well liked among her peers and the press. But the entertainment world, especially idols, could be fickle and nasty at times; her fortunes could have changed at any moment.

“That’s a logical conclusion, but you always were the logical one. Except when it comes to yourself, that is.”

The voice on the other end of the line sputtered a bit, making her laugh again. “You’re one to talk! Everyone always thinks you’ve got it all together, but you just put on a poker face when you’re flustered. That smile never fooled us, you know.”

“Ah, but I was never the bright and clever Non-tan, was I? I’m allowed to be a little irrational at times.”

“Oh, stop teasing me already. Were’re still talking about Nico here. Hey, remember when everyone thought she and Maki were hooking up?”

“Oh, please!” exclaimed Nozomi. “That was so embarrassing! I have no idea where you got that from, I told you they were just friends.”

“Well, yeah. We jumped to conclusions all right. But even you have to admit they were acting suspicious.”

“Of course they were! Nico was covering for her and Honoka, and they were both really bad at it.”

Eli couldn’t help but laugh at the memory. “She got so mad at you, too. Even though you were the only one who _didn’t_ think they were dating.”

“Well,” she said, “people thought you and I were going out too.”

“Uh, hello? Nozomi? We _were_ going out!”

“For three months, sure, and we were better at hiding it. Besides, we were barely more than just friends in the end anyway, so it’s all the same.”

“However you want to think of it,” she chuckled. “Back to the point, if you and Honoka don’t know anything, I guess there’s no point asking anyone else.” It was true, if anyone kept track of every single member of Mu’s, it was her boss. They probably wouldn’t have stayed friends in the same way if it weren’t for her arranging get-togethers and conference calls to stay in touch.

“I can understand Honoka, she keeps track of everyone. But why me?”

Eli gave a snort. “Get real, Nozomi. You’ve always been able to get to the root of all our problems without even trying. Heck, you’re probably the most perceptive of us all.”

“Now that’s not-”

“Besiiides,” Eli cut in, drawing the word out to silence her. “I may not be able to peek into people’s hearts or read their fates, but I’m still your closest friend. Close enough to see a bond between you and Nico that the rest of us just don’t have. Now I don’t know what’s behind it and frankly it’s none of my business. But if there were anyone she would talk to, you’d be number one on the list.”

Nozomi went quiet for a few moments. It wasn’t possible to say Eli was wrong, there really were things that happened between her and Nico. Things she couldn’t talk about, even with her best friend. Maybe she’d never reveal them to anyone. But Eli had figured her out on some level, and Honoka did as well.

“I guess you’re right,” she finally said. “But no, she never spoke to me. Not that she ever needed my permission.”

“True enough. Well, I’ve taken up enough of your time. You probably just got home when I called, and here I’ve just been talking away. I’ll be back in Tokyo next week, we can go out for dinner or something and get up to speed. Besides,” she added. “You still need to get ready.”

“Ready?”

“Unless I miss my guess, you’ve got a visitor on the way. She’ll have a hard time getting free, but it’ll be sometime tonight. I’m certain of it.”

Nozomi sighed. “There’s no point denying it, is there?”

“None.”

“Good night, Eli.”

“Good night, Nozomi. And good luck.”

Laying the phone down, she only had a few moments before it came to life again. This time it was Hanayo, in a panic as always, and before she was able to finish her evening meal she had to field calls from Umi and Rin as well. At last they all talked each other out, and the quiet of the apartment settled in again.

The silence this time was not a threat, but a much more companionable beast. Rather than stalking, it now curled warmly around her. The earlier loneliness was gone, leaving her feeling content. She may have been the only one physically there, but she was connected to eight of the most wonderful women she could ask for. More importantly, Eli was right that she was waiting for someone. She had been for a long time.

She poured a glass of wine and placed a second, empty glass on the table. Settling in, she let the silence cover her like a warm blanket, and took a slow sip as memories came back from all those years ago.


	4. Chapter 4

The show was over. The lights were darkened, the deafening applause finally subsided, and nine girls left the stage. It was the end of everything, and the start of everything too.

That night was the last time they would all perform together, but not a single one of them were sad. They all knew, come what may, they would always be Mu’s in their hearts. They might not sing and dance as a group, but they had bonds that would never, ever be broken.

So rather than mourn their last show, the girls were filled with joy, even triumph at their success. It was a shared high, all of them feeling the same electricity in their bodies as it ran around the room. Everyone got hugs from everyone else, and then twice, and then Rin would be there to give them a third or even a fourth, bouncing around like a puppy and making them all laugh. For once, nobody was going to tell her to calm down. Even the terminally shy Umi was in on the fun, embracing both her childhood friends and new ones without a care for how shameless it was.

But fun as it was to ride that exhilarating high, there were still a few last idol duties to perform. There were fans, reporters and photographers clamouring for a chance to see them one more time, and the girls had made them wait long enough. A couple of hand claps from Eli sent them all scurrying to their respective dressing rooms to change out of their costumes, as neatly as if they’d practised it.

Nozomi had been assigned a room with Eli, which suited her fine.. The two of them had been together, and briefly _together_ for years, and had an easy camaraderie between them. They knew how to stay out each others’ way while changing, so it was smooth, largely silent affair. Silent, that is, save for Eli continuing to hum their last number, and smooth until Nozomi froze suddenly, holding her street clothes.

“Is something wrong?” Eli asked, picking up on the change immediately.

“Oh...oh no, not a thing. I just, uh, remembered that I should pick up some fish for dinner tomorrow! I’m really in the mood for fish, yeah.” She did her best to look anywhere but Eli, the exaggerated movement drawing attention away from the small item she palmed.

Eli raised an eyebrow, obviously not buying it. The downside of having such a close friend change with you is she noticed things others would overlook. At least she didn’t seem to notice the little sleight of hand, but she wasn’t out of the woods yet. “Dinner, really? You can do better than that. Spill it, there’s definitely something on your mind.”

“Well, now that you mention it I was concerned about how you kept looking at the left side of the audience so much. You seemed awfully interested in something out there.”

“What? I did no such thing!”

Nozomi’s eyes narrowed, a sly smile growing on her face. She advanced on Eli, making sure to keep her hands behind her back. “Oho! Now that I think of it, you weren’t just looking at the left side. The third row in particular, maybe? Am I getting warm, my dear Elichi?”

By now heat had invaded her friend’s cheeks, and she began to retreat. “I...I wasn’t looking at anything. I did the choreography just the way we’d practised.”

“Oh yes, you did wonderfully. An experienced dancer like you would have no problem following the steps without being distracted at all by a cute little brunette...”

“Jeeze, leave me be already!” Eli turned her back on Nozomi, having finally hit her limit. “I admit it, she was cute. But I didn’t do anything to mess up the number, okay?”

Taking her chance, Nozomi slipped the object from her hand into her bag. She then stepped forward and with a quick, practised motion with her now-free hands, reached around Eli’s chest and gave a good, solid squeeze.

“EEP!” came the satisfying response, making her grin. “Nozomi, quit that!”

“Just a little good luck charm for our poor, distracted Elichi. I bet you’ll get a chance to be clever and charming for her soon, so let’s get moving.” She gave her friend a wink before slipping on her clothes and returning to the common area.

They made it back just as Kotori and Umi arrived, who both gave them a puzzled look. They’d obviously heard Eli’s exclamation, but both of them knew well enough not to ask. Some things are better left unsaid. The room Nico shared with Hanayo and Rin was still closed, although she could hear the former demanding to know who’d stolen her hair ties. _She probably mislaid them herself_ , thought Nozomi with a smile. From the remaining room Honoka shared with Maki, she could hear muffled voices as well, but more subdued and serious. She hoped it wasn’t anything troublesome.

Her fears were laid to rest as both doors opened together, as if on cue. Nico stalked out in a huff, confirming her suspicions that their “little devil” was the root of her own problems again. From the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of Honoka coming through the other door. She looked as cheerful as ever, leading a more subdued Maki by the hand. It was only a moment before she pulled free and regained her composure, but it was clear to Nozomi what was going on. _Well well,_ she thought. _Maybe the room assignments were on purpose after all._

There was no more time for speculation. The fans were waiting, so they formed their familiar circle, everyone extending a hand to make a nine-pointed star, before diving into the happy chaos that awaited them outside.

It was a night none of them would ever forget. A memory every one would someday draw strength from in hard times, and part of the bond that would always tie them together. For Nozomi, finally finding her way home deep into the night, it was enough to make her feel like she was flying.

Dropping her jacket and bag by the door, she was suddenly reminded of the object that she’d found among her clothes, briefly forgotten in the whirl outside the venue. Why was it so important to her that it be kept secret, anyway? The impulse to hide it had been strong, and she knew better than to deny instinct. She fished the item out and examined it.

At first glance, it was simply a piece of paper folded in a cute origami style. Nothing really unusual, girls passed notes that way all the time. Certainly it was nothing to be embarrassed about. Whoever placed it there wanted only her to see it though, so it must be important to them.

Unfolding the package revealed a simple message, written in a neat, if slightly unsteady, hand. Perhaps they were trying to not let their handwriting give them away? If so, that ruled out the straightforward Umi, who could never conceal her elegant script. The message was straightforward too, although again not her style. “Please meet me alone in the club room tomorrow,” it said, along with a time.

It had to be one of the other girls; no one else had access to the dressing rooms. Not to mention, no one but a member of Mu’s would want to meet in the club room. The only certainty was that it wasn’t Eli. It wasn’t her style and she wasn’t a good enough actor to deny it, not to her. Besides, they talked about personal matters all the time. But discounting her and Umi, that only narrowed the list to six.

The other big question was why. Either Maki or Honoka, or maybe both, could be looking for advice given what she saw earlier. Or maybe Hanayo, still too shy to talk in a public place. Or if she was going to be silly, it might be Nico challenging her to battle, which actually sounded kind of fun.

She sighed. This was getting her nowhere, and thinking about it was just making her tired as the night’s excitement wore off. She’d know soon enough, so she slipped the note into her wallet for safekeeping, absentmindedly replacing it in her hands with her Tarot deck. A consultation might not reveal anything, but even so it would help calm her enough to get to sleep. She drew a card, giving a last thought toward the note and tomorrow’s meeting.

XIV. TEMPERANCE

She simply sat and gazed at the card for almost a solid minute. Patience and taking a long-term view. _Great_ , now _even the cards are playing pranks on me_. She returned the card to the deck with a sigh, and headed off to a well-deserved rest.

The following day she woke filled with nervous energy despite being up so late. The day was bright and warm, and she found she couldn’t sit still. Housework helped a little, but there were only so many tasks she could do to fill up the time before her meeting, so she dressed and hit the streets.

It all seemed so different from the day before. Everywhere she looked seemed new and interesting, putting a spring in her step and widening the smile on her face. Humming one of her sub-group’s songs, she took a couple of light skips and set forth to enjoy the day.

There was no point going straight to school no matter of filled with anticipation she was, so she let her steps guide her toward Akihabara instead. For most people it was a gathering place for fans of all sorts, but for Mu’s it was filled with beloved memories. The maid café Kotori used to work at, and where they all helped out. The Hallowe’en street stage. The little shop that sold their first merchandise. The parfait shop she and Eli went to sometimes. It all seemed so long ago, and only yesterday at the same time.

In time, she let herself drift back to the old, familiar path to the school. The guard let her in without issue. After all, she was a recent alumni and student council member so he recognized her right away. More importantly, she and the others were his personal saviours, since without them he would have lost his job when the school closed. They made small talk for a moment, but something stopped her short of asking whether any of the others had come by. It seemed unfair to learn it now, when the meeting was so close.

As eager as she was, still she hesitated when she came to the club room door. The act of simply turning the handle and pulling felt heavy somehow. Much like when she went to that first idol almost two years ago, her intuition was shouting that this was an important moment, and she should not take it lightly. She swallowed, before taking hold of herself and pulling the door open.

Inside, the lights were out and the curtains drawn. As her eyes adjusted to the gloom, she was reminded of the first time she set foot in the Idol Research Club. Just like that time, she saw the same figure waiting, her back to the door.

“You’re late,” said Nico, although there was no recrimination in her voice.

“I apologize for making you wait,” Nozomi said, gently pulling the door behind her.”We were like this once before, I think.”

Nico didn’t move, still facing the window. “I’m surprised you remember,” she said, a slight tremble finding its way into her voice. “You’d just started with the student council, and came to let me know I could keep the club even without members. And you said...” She paused for several seconds. When she resumed, her voice trembled even more. “You said that you were my fan and you supported me. I, uh, I really wanted to thank you for that. It meant a lot.”

“I understand,” said Nozomi. She took a step forward, letting her fingertips trail over the table they’d sat at so many times. Nico longer than any of them. “You were going through a lot back then. I know you couldn’t say what you wanted.”

“You kept coming back too, even though I said not to. You’d just hang around and listen to me go on about idols. And complain a lot.” She gave a little chuckle, as some of the tension in her posture fell away. “I was such a jerk, wasn’t I? Calling you names and telling you to get lost, when I really wanted you to stay. You have no idea how much I appreciated that someone believed in me. I don’t know if I’d have been on that stage last night if you weren’t there.”

“I’m glad I did. Without you, Mu’s wouldn’t have come together the same way. It needed all of us.”

“This time it’s not about all of us,’ she said, finally turning around. in the filtered light, Nozomi saw a much more vulnerable Nico than she was used to. This wasn’t the brash, often too confident girl she’d come to know, but a much more rare Nico who she’d only seen once or twice. “This time, it’s only about you and me.” She stopped, as if searching for words.

“Tell me what’s going on, Nico. What did you bring me here to say?”

There was an even longer pause as the smaller girl looked unusually helpless. A few seconds ticked by, but then she worked up some sort of determination within herself. “You’re right, I’ve got something to say. Not just thanking you for keeping me going. It did mean a lot to me, but this is bigger than that. I just wanted you to know, I’m not saying the rest of this out of gratitude.”

Nozomi merely nodded, and motioned for her to go on.

“Well, yesterday was amazing. More than amazing, it was huge. The night was so perfect, I just wanted to stay up on that stage forever. We were real idols, just like I dreamt about!” Her eyes glittered as she spoke. “And well, it kinda made up my mind about stuff. About you, that is.”

“Me?”

Nico fidgeted a bit, but went on. “Not yet. I need to get one more thing out of the way, and I wanted you to be the first to know.” She reached across the table, retrieving an envelope and passing it to Nozomi. Puzzled at first, she opened the letter and her eyes grew wide.

“Nicocchi, this is...”  
“Yup. I got scouted by an idol agency. One of the biggest too, how cool is that? And even better, they want me to start right away. Tomorrow.”

“But this is incredible! You worked so hard for this, I’m so happy for you! But why didn’t you tell everyone last night? You had it already, right?”

“I did, yeah. But you don’t get it, it _had_ to be you.That’s part of why we’re here in the first place. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to be a real idol.” She grinned a bit, despite herself.

“Yes, and it’s wonderful!”

“And last night was our final show as Mu’s. So I’m not an idol right now.”

Nozomi was puzzled, unable to see what she was getting at. “That’s right, but I still don’t...”

Finally a look of exasperation came over Nico’s face. It was almost comforting to see a familiar expression again, although she didn’t understand it. “You. Are. So. Dense! You figure out everything else so fast, how come this has to be the one thing I have to explain?” She was breathing heavily, but somehow managed to hold back her frustration. “Look, lemme spell it out. Yesterday, I was an idol. Tomorrow, I’ll be an idol. Today, I’m not an idol. You with me so far?”

Nozomi just nodded.

“Good. So today, I’m able to do the one thing idols can’t do. Now do you understand what I’m saying?”

Her thoughts raced. Something idols couldn’t do? She racked her brain thinking of the characteristics of idols, all of which were for some reason shouted at her in Nico and Hanayo’s voices. Then with a start she realized just which one Nico was talking about.

“Nicocchi, you don’t mean...”

“That’s exactly what I do mean,” she said, finally letting to of the annoyance and looking at her seriously. “That’s why I didn’t want you to think this was about being grateful or anything. And that’s why I brought you somewhere that’s important to both of us. So now, let me say what I’ve been saving up all this time.”

She took a deep breath, almost making herself look larger as she did. Nozomi, holding her own breath without realizing.

“Nozomi, I love you. I’ve loved you for the longest time, but I didn’t really know how to say it. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d ever tell you. But after last night I just couldn’t hold it in any more. Tomorrow would have been too late.”

Nozomi was speechless. Of all the possibilities that ran through her head when she found Nico’s note, this wasn’t even on the list. Looking at her face though, she couldn’t deny it was happening. Her vulnerable look at returned, along with an honesty she’d never seen before. This was the real thing, and Nico meant every word.

Memories of times they’d spent together flashed by, taking on new significance. Moments when she realized Nico was watching her during practise, the excuses to get together for studying, even times she played up her “little devil” act to provoke her. None of them seemed important at the time, but in light of her confession perhaps they meant a great deal more.

She sat down, thoughts still in disarray. Gently, a pair of arms fell about her shoulders from behind as Nico leaned against her. “I really should have told you sooner,” she said softly, laying her head down. “You know how I am. I’m selfish and insecure, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

Nozomi brought one hand up to lightly touch Nico’s. How much had it cost to drop all of her defences and pride like this? It must be painfully embarrassing, but holding it in would have been even worse. Deep within, she felt something stir in response.

That was the question now, wasn’t it? She knew how Nico felt, so how did _she_ feel? An outsider for so much of her life, it was easy to forget about things like romance. Aside from Eli, which had never become anything deep, she had no experience with love. It must have been so hard on Nico to stand by and watch. She felt a wave of guilt, and realized that emotion was important too.

“Nico,” she said hesitantly, “you know what I’m like too. Probably better than anyone besides Eli. I’m the one who puts herself to the side so everyone can be happy. Remember when I wanted us to all write a song together? I’m sure you knew what was going on.”

“Yeah, I remember that. I wish I could have done something then.”

“It’s okay,” she said, giving her hand a pat. “What matters is I never really had confidence in myself. I’m no different than I was when I was a kid, convinced I’d always be alone. But you telling me that...that you love me, well it feels good. Really good.”

She pulled Nico’s arms away from her shoulders and turned so she could look the smaller girl in the eye. They held each other’s gaze for a few long seconds, the faint red tinge a bit more intense than usual. _They really are pretty when they’re like this_ , she found herself thinking. _I could get lost in those eyes_.

“I need to know,” said Nico, startling her a little. “We don’t have much time, and I know it’s selfish as hell. But, well, do you have an answer for me?”

This time she didn’t hesitate. The answer had been waiting all along, she’d just gotten skilled at ignoring it. There was no need for that now, leaving only one thing to say.

“I do,” she said. “Until now I hadn’t realized it, but I love you too. For real.”

Nico stared at her for a long moment. She could practically see the gears turning inside as the impact of her words settled in. Nozomi felt it too, the sensation that she’d just done something monumental, so big she couldn’t grasp it all at once. For the second time, Nico had changed her life. Just like before, when the failed show had prompted her to confront her parents, it was something that could never be taken back. Both were thanks entirely to the girl in front of her.

Her reverie was broken when Nico suddenly slumped in her arms, as if her strings were cut. “You have _no_ idea how afraid I was,” she said, almost on the verge of tears. Nozomi almost laughed, only just realized that she felt relieved too. It was like letting out a breath you didn’t know you’d been holding. She pulled Nico around in front of her so she could get a proper hug. Holding this girl felt good. It felt right.

“So we’re girlfriends now? I like the sound of that.”

Nico smiled down at her, another rare expression. It was like the smile she gave when putting her siblings to bed, but somehow even warmer. A special smile, reserved only for her. Nico had finally let her all the way in, past all of her defences.

“I love you,” she said simply, tilting her head and bringing their faces closer together. She could feel her new lover’s breath on her lips, warm and inviting. She wanted this too, and let herself move instinctively into her kiss, pressing her lips against Nico’s ever so softly.

It was not a kiss of passion. Those would come later. This was a lighter kiss but far deeper in meaning. What they shared this time was intimacy, slow and gentle, two young women in love sharing everything with each other.

As slowly as it began, the two parted once more. Their faces remained close, eyes meeting as they let themselves float on the feeling of wonder just a little longer. But then Nico couldn’t help herself, her face breaking into a wide grin. This time Nozomi really did start laughing, and soon both of them were caught in a fit of the giggles.

“Now you’ve done it, you goofball,” Nico said, giving her a playful swat on the arm.

“We both did it, didn’t we?”

“Yup, and wow was it good.” If anything, her grin was even wider now. “I imagined doing that so many times, but I never got anywhere close.” Her eyes shone with emotion, making Nozomi feel a little drunk herself.

She lightly rubbed her hand along Nico’s back. “I could really get used to this.”

At those words, the other girl stiffened. Pulling away, her face became serious. “Um, yeah. I guess I forgot about that part,” she said. “I’ve...no, we’ve got a problem. Now that you said yes and all.”

As before, Nozomi was silent and merely motioned Nico to continue.

With downcast eyes, she said, “Remember what I told you before about idols? Well, if I go to work tomorrow, I can’t be a girlfriend. Not yours, not anyone’s. And I’ll be honest, now that we’re together and we, well, we kissed and all, I don’t know if I can handle that.”

“But that’s always been your dream-”

“ _You’re_ my dream! Well, I guess being an idol is too. But if I have to chose between you and idols, I’d rather qu-” Nico’s eyes shot up as she was silenced by a finger firmly pressed against her lips. She looked to Nozomi, but the expression she saw was enough to make her sit back.

“Nicocchi,” she said in a stern voice that allowed no nonsense, “if you continue that sentence I shall be genuinely angry and you do not want that. Am I understood?” Nico nodded. “Very good. You’re right that we need to talk, but some things are not up for negotiation. I will not hear a single word from the great Nico Nii about giving up her greatest dream. Do I make myself understood?”

Again, she nodded. “Okay, so I won’t quit. There’s no way I want to break up with you, so where does that leave us? I might be a selfish brat, but there are limits.”

“I’ll decide what my limits are, and you’re not even close.” She smiled, warmly this time. “You need to be an idol, Nico. It’s who you are. Think about how much it’ll hurt if I make you give that up. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but a few years down the line. Think how badly I’ll feel being the one who made you throw it all away. Do you really think we could stay together, both of us blaming me for killing your dreams?”

Nico started to object, but then closed her mouth. “I can’t say I wouldn’t. I wish I could, but you know me too well. That goes both ways, I know you take all this stuff onto yourself even if it hurts.” She sighed. “I can’t do that to you. But where do we go from here?”

“It’s simple when you think about it,” she said. “We’ll be girlfriends, same as we are right now. Just not while you’re an idol. We’ll both be on reserve for each other, and once you’ve finished one dream, well, the other will be there waiting for you.”

Nico gaped like a fish. “Are you freaking kidding me! You know how long that could take? What if I hit it big, it might be years!”

Nozomi smirked. “I’m really good at waiting,” she said. Remembering the card she drew the previous night, she almost laughed. _Patience, huh?_ she thought. _You sure weren’t kidding!_ She gave her lover a playful boop on the nose. “Now come here and give me another kiss. Make it good, because this one’s going to have to last.”

And she did. And it was.


	5. Chapter 5

Nursing her wine, Nozomi flipped through her Tarot deck and extracted the Temperance card. Back when she drew it that night sixteen years ago, she had no idea just how meaningful it would be. If it hadn’t lay in the back of her mind, she never would have suggested her deal with Nico in the first place. It had been a long, sometimes difficult wait, but soon she’d be done with it, and the card could go back to being just a card.

She laid it on the table next to the note she still carried in her wallet. She went to the trouble of having it laminated some years back, or it wouldn’t have survived at all. Looking at them both together made her smile, and she raised her glass in a silent toast. _It shouldn’t be long now_ , she thought.

As if on cue, a sound came from the front door. It was faint, but to Nozomi it might as well have been a fire alarm. No amount of reminiscing would allow her to miss that.

Quickly, she rose from her chair and dimmed the lights. The mood needed to be just right. Then she took her position on the far side of the room, her back to the door. In the eternity it took for the door to open, she realized she was trembling.

“You’re late,” she said as footsteps entered the room.

“I apologize for making you wait,” Nico said, gently pulling the door behind her.”We were like this once before, I think. No, wait. Twice. Oh, dammit!”

That was all it took. Nozomi was all ready to replay their conversation from that fateful day, but Nico’s outburst made it impossible to do anything but laugh. Nico was laughing too, and both of them walked forward to embrace each other, practically in tears.

“You dork! I thought idols were supposed to be good actors.”

Nico raised a finger to boop Nozomi’s nose. “They are, but I’m an EX-idol now. So I’m off the hook.”

“Just like you to weasel your way out of it.” Giving her a last squeeze, she released the hug, taking Nico by the hand and leading to the sofa. She poured a glass of wine, then turned back. “so you’re finally done, then?”

Nico took a sip, raised an eyebrow, then took a second. “This is really good. Were you saving it?” Receiving only a nod in reply, she continued. “Yeah, I’m done. I gave it everything I had, just like you told me. Right until I had nothing left to give. I got to the top and couldn’t get any higher, so all there was left was to start dropping.”

“How did your manager feel about it? She can’t have been happy about losing you.”

She waved a hand. “Nah, nothing like that. She got married three...no, four years ago now. So now that she and her husband had a chance to get their finances in order, she’s been thinking of having kids, you know how it is. Retiring gave her the perfect excuse.”

“Did she know about us?”

“No way,” she laughed. “I think she figured out that I had someone in mind, that’s hard to hide when you spend so much time together. But she always assumed it was a guy. Boy, won’t she be surprised!”

Nozomi chuckled as well. “And then it’s on to Tsubasa’s school? What’s that all about?”

“Well, she’s been on my case about that school of hers for years, so I figured why not? It’s only a couple of days a week, more like part-time work to keep me busy. Hard to be idle after working all the time for so long, you know?”

“I can imagine,” she said, her smile warm. “You gave it your all, with no regrets.”

“Nico almost spit out her wine. She rounded on Nozomi with unexpected ferocity, her eyes flashing. “No regrets? Are you screwing with me? I’ve got nothing _but_ regrets!”

Nozomi was taken aback. “Wh-what do you mean?”

“I regret leaving you alone while I lived out my dreams, that’s what I regret! I regret not being able to celebrate when Honoka put you in charge of the café because I had a show that night! I regret not comforting you when your father passed away while I was overseas! I regret sixteen awful years of not being able to kiss the woman I love!” By now she was crying, and didn’t seem to notice or care. “You want to know what I regret? All of it! Being without you, it almost drove me crazy!”

“Nico...” she started, but was silenced by a raised hand.

“No, let me get this out,” she said through the tears. “I’ll only ever say this once. After that it’s in the past, for both of us. It was worth it you know, all that regret. It was so hard. Harder than I thought it would be. The industry sucks so bad sometimes, but when I was on stage it was like I was flying, every single time. I loved it, and you know why? It was the one time I could really feel you there with me. Even if you weren’t in the audience, whenever I felt like I was doing my best it was like you were on stage too, holding my hand. I just had to keep chasing that feeling.”

She almost choked up, but managed to get past it. “I put up with all that crap, because there were moments like those. Because the best prize ever was waiting for me at the other end. I wasn’t going to get it if I held anything back, so I didn’t for as long as I could.”

“You earned that prize,” Nozomi said quietly.

“It was still hard. I felt so bad about missing all those parts of your life while I was working. And I felt guilty as hell about being so selfish. Keeping you waiting longer and longer, and the more it went on the more I hated myself for putting you through it. But you believed I was going to be great, so I was great. For you.”

She took Nozomi’s hands in her own, still in tears but somehow the way she cried had changed. It was softer now, and her voice was less harsh. “I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad. I love you so very much. It’s just, I need you to know that it was worth it...you’re worth it to me. Now I can let all of that go, and we can start over where we left off in the club room.”

Without a word, Nozomi put her arms around Nico and kissed the tears on her cheek, then just held on and let her cry. It wasn’t pretty, and it wasn’t anything becoming of a top idol. But it was endearing, and it felt good to simply hold her close after all this time. So she waited, gently rubbing her lover’s back and letting the tears flow.

At last the storm passed, and the smaller woman sat back. “I think I’ll be okay now. Thank you, love.”

“It’s all right,” Nozomi said. “I think it’s my turn to talk anyhow.”

She took a sip of her remaining wine. “You never had to feel guilty. It wasn’t hard on me to wait, at least not the way you’re thinking. There was never a moment that I felt resentment for your success, or how long your career went on. I was so proud of you, how could I feel bad about it? Every time you had a new single, or did a live, every time you got on the news yet again, I’d just look up and think, ‘That’s mine!’ Because there was never even one second I didn’t believe you felt the same way about me. That once you’d lived out your dream, you’d be coming home.”

“But wasn’t it hard at all?”

She shook her head slowly. “I can’t deny that. There were times I felt so lonely I cried, the way I did when I was little. I’d wake up alone, or I’d come home from work to nothing but dark and quiet, and sometimes it would be too much to take. I’d just break down. Poor Eli worried over me a lot, even though I never told her why.” She chuckled softly at the memory. “But you know me, I’m the one who pushes her own needs to the back for the sake of others. That’s probably the only reason I never called and told you to stop. It would have been cruel of me to do so; I knew how much you were hurting. How could I not, when we both felt the same way?”

“We both had it hard, huh?”

“Well, that’s over now. Here, let me prove it.”

Unlike that day in the club room, this time it was Nozomi’s turn to move in close, brushing the hair from her lover’s cheek and pulling her in. The kiss began softly, but too much time needing each other had gone by for it to stay that way long. Soon they were caught up in passion, open-mouthed and greedy, wanting everything the other had to give. Nozomi gripped Nico’s hair desperately, bringing a moan to her lips which only spurred her on more. Hands blindly grasped at clothes, looking for something to hold on to as lips were bitten and tongues entwined. Neither of them were truly dominant though, but rather the pressure went back and forth, each being aggressive in turn.

When they finally broke apart, gasping, it was Nico who found her voice first.

“Okay, you convinced me,” she said, which brought forth a weak laugh from both of them.

Nico put her feet up on the sofa, contentedly leaning back and using Nozomi’s breasts as a pillow. She retrieved her wine from the table and took a sip. “Yeah, this is totally worth the wait. I could get used to this.”

“You’ll have plenty of chances to,” she said, stroking her girlfriend’s hair. It had grown a lot during the years they were apart. “I suppose the question is, are we going to let everyone else know about us?”

Nico shrugged. “Don’t see we’ve got much of a choice. Sixteen years keeping a secret, I’m sick to death of it by now. Besides, you think I’m going to keep my hands off you even for a minute? Dream on!”

“They’re going to make fun of us, you know.”

She snorted. “Well, yeah. I sure would.”

Nozomi laughed again. “I see your point. Well, half of them probably figured it out already anyhow. Eli definitely did, no shock there. Honoka too, of all people, which means Maki knows.”

“Honoka figured us out? There’s a surprise. But then, I never expected her to pull off half the stunts she’s pulled over the years. I doubt anyone else could ever have convinced Maki to stand up to her folks. That’s like turning the sky pink or something, just impossible.”

“You know they even went to the ceremony? I think they wanted to accept their relationship, but wanted Maki to force their hand so they could save face. You know how they are about appearances.”

“I want to do that with you too, you know.” She turned a little to give Nozomi a kiss on the cheek.

She returned the kiss, this time on the lips. “Do you really mean that?” She was a bit surprised that Nico would bring up marriage so quickly. But she had to admit, she’d thought about it too. Even more so after her friends’ ceremony. “Your fans will absolutely lose their minds, you know. To say nothing of the press.”

“Let ‘em! Tsubasa’s fine if we go public. I already talked to her about it, although I didn’t say who it’d be with. Between you and me, I think she’s just itching for a fight.”

She reached for Nozomi’s left hand, which had been resting on her thigh, and brought it to her lips. Then she slipped a hand into her pocket, retrieving a ring that she slipped onto the third finger of the hand she held. She kissed it again, turning to her lover who already had tears welling in her eyes.

“Nozomi, you know that I have always loved you. For more than half my life you have been the only woman I ever wanted, and I plan to give the rest of it only to you. Will you, now and forever, be my wife?”

She didn’t hesitate. “I do. Oh, you know I do,” she said, pulling her fiancée into the deepest kiss yet, the first of many to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaand done! Hopefully you enjoyed my little yarn. I certainly had fun writing it.
> 
> If you're interested in my original work, feel free to drop by my website at http://kelseighn.com/


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